Really?!
Well, yes. Family is definitely a gift from God, although sometimes it doesn’t seem that way.
We all know the joys of family, but…it’s complicated.
Here’s the thing. Sometimes we’re counting our blessings because we so appreciate what it means to have Family – people who have known you all your life and are always there for you when it really counts. They love you no matter what, even when they don’t like you or don’t agree with you. They value you and you value them. And we’re really counting our blessings when we have Family members who are real friends. People we can laugh and play with, reminisce with, and with whom we can share the daily joys of life, making new memories. It’s during these times that it’s easy to understand how much Family is a true gift.
But what about when challenges occur? Disagreements? What happens when these lifelong folk know exactly how to push our buttons (oh, nobody is better!), or they begin to live their lives in a way that you just can not understand? You love them, but… Well, these are the times we need to know that they are a gift. These are the times when it’s important to understand how much of a gift they really are. In fact, this is how we can really accelerate our understanding of ourselves. Wait, I thought we were talking about them!
Well, if we can see that everyone and everything around us is always helping us to develop a deeper understanding of ourselves and life – and how to make it better – then we really can see these situations as opportunities. Nothing can be as much of a gift as being able to see the mirrors all around us. And those who are closest to us, family and our dearest loved ones, have the ability to show us the clearest, if not the most uncomfortable, reflections of ourselves. They certainly know our buttons and how to push them! But what if we knew our own buttons better than anybody else?
What Can I Do?
So how can we benefit the most from these challenging times with family? I have had the distinct pleasure and honor of training in a true ancient lineage mystery school, The Modern Mystery School. As part of that training, I have learned – and continue to practice – how to make the most of uncomfortable, frustrating, infuriating, and bewildering circumstances. And let’s face it, we all know that family and our closest loved ones give us these “opportunities” better than anyone! So what can we do? Well, from my own experience, I can offer a few practical and supportive suggestions for you:
1. Distance. Avoid the urge to “jump right in”. Take three deep breaths (or at least one!). Bring yourself to your own balanced center. Stay at a bit of a distance from the situation. Ask yourself these questions: Is this situation in front of you just a matter of opinion? Is it life or death? Does this involve other people who are not here?
Tip: Remember that meditation calms our emotions, and not just when we’re meditating. Having a regular meditation practice will support having a calm emotional state throughout the day.
2. Pause. Check in with yourself. What am I feeling? Do I know why I’m feeling this way? The reason is always found within yourself and not outside of yourself. In other words, blaming others for how you’re feeling will never help you.
Tip: Loving yourself helps a lot! Can you forgive yourself? If you can, it will be easier to forgive others. If you have trouble forgiving yourself, try forgiving someone else. The more you do that, the easier it will become to forgive yourself.
3. Boundaries. Have boundaries and hold them when needed. Always reassess. Sometimes we need to keep communication with certain family/people at a minimum. Sometimes there’s nothing else to learn. Hold compassion for them and for yourself. Do you have boundaries within yourself? Do you practice curbing your own outbursts?
Tip: When it comes to having and enforcing boundaries within yourself, having a good relationship with your inner child goes a long way in serving your well-being.
If Only I Could Make Them See…
Have you noticed that you can only “do something” about yourself? It’s true. We can’t control other people, and we simply can not change other people, as much as we may want to. If we continue to think that we can, through our words or our behavior, the only result is our own exhaustion.
And if you find yourself getting caught up in it, your heartbeat is increasing, your face is feeling warm, you feel tightness in your body, RELAX AND RESET. Start over with Distance, Pause and Boundaries.
What about the situation where you want to have interaction with a certain family member, or members, but they don’t? Well, we can never force ourselves on others. Meaning, we can’t keep trying to interact with loved ones who choose not to have that interaction. You certainly may feel sad, but we have to remember again that we can only control and change ourself. My advice is to keep living your best life, work on your own healing and find as much joy in living as you can. Maybe a time will come when they become more open to you – and maybe not. This is their choice.
Does it ever get easier?
The short answer is, “Yes”. The more we can learn to keep working on ourself – our thoughts, emotions and behaviors, it becomes a LOT easier to manage uncomfortable interactions. But we can’t wait for, or expect, others to change. We have to ask ourselves, “Is there anything else that I can do to make this easier?”.
Where Do Compassion and Tolerance Fit In?
Compassion doesn’t necessarily mean that we need to tolerate that what is unacceptable to us. Being intolerant doesn’t necessarily mean that you are not compassionate, or a good person. In fact, being intolerant of behavior that seeks to drive a wedge between people rather than bring them together seems like a good thing. Always have compassion (for yourself and others), and also have intolerance when it is called for.
Wrapping Up This Gift
In summary, family really is a gift. Really. In the good times, we know this. But there may also be difficult times. If we know how to work with and manage ourselves, we can really make the most of difficult family situations. Remember, Distance, Pause and Boundaries.
For more information on managing your emotions, meditation, working with your negative ego and even your subconscious patterns, please explore the Life Activation session and the Empower Thyself program. An easy place to start is with the Max Meditation Systemâ„¢, an evening in-person meditation class for anyone, beginner or experienced.